The Destiny Manifest

Have you seen me lately?

So what have I been up to lately? Hmm... let's see...

• The girls are both back in school. A went to school all summer but she was just swimming, playing, chilling... now she's back to a real curriculum, 4k-style. L is in 1st grade and we got an awesome teacher (not that they aren't all awesome, just sayin'). She has two best friends, who by coincidence went to A's school, so they all know each other. L is going home with her best friends next Friday for her first unattended-by-Mama playdate and she's extremely excited.
• I'm chairing a major fundraising committee for the school -- the spring carnival. It's not until May 2 but preparations and planning have commenced. I am in volunteer recruiting mode and trying not to become overwhelmed at whether or not I have what it takes to make this happen.
• I have been knitting like a madwoman trying to hold her sanity together with needles and yarn.... wait. Hmm. Okay, so maybe it's not like that, it is that. Semantics. I've also taught myself how to crochet and have become somewhat addicted to making full-size amigurumi-style dolls. Here's the first.... a blond girl who kind of screams LUNA at me. She's also not 100% finished but Doll #2 overtook me so Doll #1 must wait a bit.
• I'm working! I know, holy shit, hold on to your hats and all that. I'm doing freelance web design, at home yes, but still, it's work and it pays real actual cash money. It was rather nice to pay my rent for this month before it was late. Hell, our power bill is paid. It's... an unusual but very nice feeling.

Neuroses

I don't post much here anymore. It's not lack of desire that keeps me from posting, nor is it lack of time, though I could easily blame it on both. The truth is that I don't really know what to say.

I'm better, and then I'm not. When I'm better, I like to be outside of my house, going and creating and doing, and I adjust my schedule accordingly. The busier the better... because the busy keeps me better.

When I am not, I am... not. When I am not, I long to bare all, for reasons that I can't quite put my finger on. I think it helps me to type it all out, to let people know that "I'm not okay, okay?" and yet, I can't bring myself to do it here.

I want to. I spend much time reminding myself that I'm not supposed to care what other people think, what other peoples' opinions on my current mental state might be. Truth be told, I just need to get over it. I need to take a cue from these brave folks and just... post. Better... or not.

Dissolution

Andy and I were divorced at 9:30 this morning. It's really over, finally.

"And it's so hard to do
and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away."
from "Here Comes the Sun" by Ben Harper

7 years ago.

Seven years ago today, I married a wonderful man. We were young and idealistic, in love and absolutely certain that we would be together forever, that we would beat the odds and grow old together.

We were mistaken in some ways. In other ways, I think we were more right than we knew.

The divorce papers have been signed and sent to the Clerk of Court. It has been one year and one week since he moved out. We are no longer so young, no longer idealistic and no longer in love.

We are still friends. We do still care for each other. We talk on the phone and help each other out with things that come up. We have two beautiful little girls together and we are both very good parents. I have the girls during the week and he has them on the weekends. If he needs me to keep them one weekend, I do. If I need him to keep them one night so I can work, he does. Compromise and understanding, that we have.

We rarely argue anymore. We spend time together when we want and go our separate ways when that time is over. We attend our girls' school functions together. People are amazed to find out that we are almost-divorced. I tell them that we are friends, that we have a better relationship now than we did for the last few years of our marriage.

Things will change... are changing. He enjoys a flirtation with a stranger at the park and he calls me to tell me. I laugh and tell him about the date I had last week and what a lovely mess that was. It's not conventional or what's "expected" from divorcing people, but for us, it works.

I imagine that one day he may remarry. I don't imagine that I will ever remarry, but I do hope to fall in love again someday. The family that Andy and I created will continue to change and adapt over time, as it has over the last ten years that we have known each other, and the last seven years of our marriage, and the last year of our separation.

We will grow old together though. Not together in the way we once meant, but together as good friends who once loved each other more than anything and who understand each other in a way that not many others in our lives do.

Happy Anniversary to you Andy. Thank you for all that you've given me over the years. Thank you for being my friend, my sounding board and my ex-husband. I would not be who I am without you.

So tired!

Arts Alive was a raging roaring success!

I didn't get home until 12:30 am and I fell into bed, absolutely more exhausted than I've ever been in my life. I must have walked 75 miles yesterday, no kidding, up and down and around and around and here and there.

It was amazing. The sunburn I managed to get is pretty amazing too. Ouch.

A few pics...
George Champlin (school counselor) & Eric at the Dunk Tank:

Lakin in her "I Love Mr. B" shirt:

This was taken about 10 minutes after we opened... an hour into it there were so many people you could barely walk:

Click for more pics....

This was a record-breaking year for Arts Alive, income-wise. We had a fabulous committee and I am honored to be a part of it.

As tired as I am, I haven't been this proud of anything I've done in a long long time.

Catching up

I keep telling myself that I need to come blog but life jumps up and gets in the way time and again. I'm doing okay. I had what could have been a huge emotional setback this week and I handled it very well, all things considered. I think that's progress.

I've been exercising and eating better and I can actually see results! I am down 12 pounds since January 1, 2007 and down 29 pounds since June 2006.... and keep in mind that I wasn't exercising or eating well or doing much of anything beyond survival for the majority of the summer and fall. Not too shabby I don't think. I am down 2 sizes in clothes. I had to buy new jeans because my old ones were falling off me... what a wonderful feeling!  I actually look thinner, which is such a treat for me. :)

I have been knitting but not as much as I could be. Mostly socks, mostly for me. I did start a sweater for me but have now lost enough weight and inches that it will be too big so I need to rip and redo (this is not a bad thing, but it does make the motivation to restart the sweater kind of wane). I'm 75% done with A's Oh Jan dress. Pictures to come... promise!

I'm organizing pictures this morning, looking at old baby pictures of my girls... feeling nostalgic. I'll likely back-date a few posts to play catch up and post some pics. :)

Resolute

This is the year that I will stop wishing that my reality is different than it is. I will live my life the best that I can with what I've got to work with.

I will get back to exercising regularly. I was walking 2-3 miles a day all summer and then I fell off the wagon. My two best friends and I are going to exercise together, 2-3 days a week. This is not about being thin -- it is about getting down to a healthy weight and feeling better about myself.

I will stop feeling so insecure about every move I make. All eyes are not on me, every thing I do is not stupid, my friends are not burdened by me and if they were, they would tell me so. I will live my life without second-guessing every detail.

I will knit myself an awesome sweater that fits me now. I will stop putting off making it "until I'm smaller". I deserve a rockin' hand-knit sweater now and I'm worth the effort.

This is the year that I will become legally divorced. I will learn to be okay with that.

Christmas 2006

I've never feIt so happy to see Christmas done. Mama had a party Christmas Eve, so I got the visit with my family then. I gifted Colin early -- gave him a bottle of amaretto and sour mix, his favorite. He mixed amaretto sours for everyone and we had a great time together, laughing, joking, enjoying one another's company, exactly how family should be.

I had Christmas morning with the girls and then we had breakfast with Mama and the family. Mama bought me a big fuzzy blanket for my bed, earrings and an iPod docking station that will play my iPod in the parts of my house that the computer speakers won't reach (woohoo, I've wanted one of these for a long time). Colin/Stephanie and Zeb both gave me AC Moore gift cards and Hilary/Jesse gave me the Stitch 'n' Bitch calendar.

L and A got a huge dollhouse that they love, tinker toys and tons of play food for their kitchen from my uber generous friends Raina, James, Amanda and David. A got all of the Little People dinosaur sets (she loves these) and a rocking zebra (she doesn't actually have this yet, word is that her Granddad is bringing it up in a couple weeks -- this is the thing she still wants most of all). L got a playmobil forest set with knights and fairies, a complete set of Junie B. Jones books (these too are coming from Andy's dad so aren't here yet) and a beaded ring (from me, this is what she wanted most). The girls really made out like bandits -- we had to clean up & rearrange their room to make room for it all.

I dropped the girls off at Andy's around 11:30 and went home, spent the rest of the day alone. It wasn't bad... my family doesn't understand why a person would choose to be alone on Christmas but it's how I needed it to be. Monday was technically "my" day to have the girls but I know they wanted to see Andy and he wanted to see them, so I'm not going to be a bitch about it. He's good to them, a better father now than I think he ever has been before. I think we've both improved actually and many people comment to me about how well-adjusted and happy L & A are.

This holiday season has been and continues to be hard for me personally and emotionally and well, the nap that I ended up indulging in for most of Christmas Day was much needed and really did help a lot. I'm anxious to see New Year's come and go so I can put the holidays behind me and get back to our regular daily lives.

Thankful

L ~ Thank you for being the smartest, sweetest, most matter-of-fact, tell-it-like-it-is 5-year old that I have ever had the pleasure to know. You make me proud of myself and proud of you and all that you are. I hope you never lose your sassy edge and never shrink from defending yourself and asking the questions that other people don't think to ask.  I love you bear.

A ~ Thank you for giving me the biggest hugs and the sweetest kisses and for being the adorably cute fireball that you are. You make me remember that even when everything else is going wrong, being a mother to you and your sister is the best thing that I can ever do and it's what matters most in our world. I love you bee.

Andy ~ Thank you for listening to me ramble and rant and cry, even though you don't have to anymore. Thank you for every time you have defended me and every time you've stood by my side through the years. We didn't work and we both seem to be thriving apart in a way that we never managed to together, but I still love you and I will always treasure the times that we had.

Eric ~ Thank you for everything. You have inspired the best in me to come forth again. Thank you for making me smile, for making me happy, for making me want to be better than I am. You're beautiful.

MDF ~ Thank you for being the best friends I have ever had. You all have stood by me and for me in countless ways over the last 3½ years and I love you. Thank you for letting me vent and cry and fall down and for picking me back up and dusting me off and reminding me that I am strong and I can do this. Meagan, Katie, Elizabeth, Wendy, Patsy, Tonya, both Stephs, Tiffani, Joyce, Amy, Lisa, April & Laura ~ I love you ladies.

Chris ~ Thank you for helping me through the hardest and the worst times of my life to date. Things will never be the same between us again now that you have broken my trust but for the rest of my life I wil remember that you were there for me when I needed you most this past spring and summer and that for a short time, you were the best friend I thought I'd ever have. I will always love what I know you can be. I forgive you, even though I will never understand what possessed you.

Colin, Zeb & Hilary ~ I love you all more than I can say. Yes, I fuck up sometimes and I'm not always the best sister (or person) that I can be. We all fuck up sometimes. In the end what matters is that you are my sister and my brothers and I would do anything that I can for any of you. Thank you for putting up with me, for supporting me, for watching my back, for always making me laugh until my sides hurt and for sometimes making me cry until my heart hurts. This life, it wouldn't be the same without you three and I am grateful for each of you.

Stephanie, Jesse & Ashton ~ You make my siblings so happy and so loved and I am thankful for each of you. You are my family and each of you fits so well, as though you are the puzzle pieces that we couldn't find for so long and now the puzzle... it's finished and just needs a little glue to make it permanent (and ready for framing and hanging in the bathroom ;)). I love you three, my sisters, my brother.

Mama ~ I could never enumerate all the things that you have done for me and all the ways that I am thankful for you. I get stressed and don't show it as well as I should but know that I love you so much and appreciate every thing about you. Thank you for standing up for me and for helping me sort out my feelings when it all gets too overwhelming. Thank you for letting me talk my fool head off when that's all I can seem to do... talk.

Papa ~ Thank you for listening to me when I can't shut up and for not judging the shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes. I love you.

Raina & Amanda ~ You ladies rock! Thank you for a great night out, for the laughter and the honesty and the talking and the sex shop visit. Thank you for being awesome friends!

So much to be thankful for... so many things and people.

* a great job and a paycheck
* new flannel sheets
* the perfect song that captures the moment
* yarn and needles to play with and focus on and be creative with
* finally being a part of a network of truly awesome people (Dede, Lisa, Tracey, Beth - the school's PTA)
* a wonderful child-friendly neighborhood 0.2 miles from the best school in town
* great neighbors on both sides
* weekends!
* Mountain Colors Twizzle!
* an understanding and easy-to-talk-to therapist
* prescription medications!
* 24-hour postage kiosks
* Lee and Kelly ~ my two sweet fluffy animals who love me and keep me warm at night
* Target!
* my iPod (a gift from Andy a couple years ago, still my most treasured possession)
* myspace.com -- I've reconnected with so many people that I never would have otherwise (Raina, Sonny, Hali, RCM)
* my car -- it's not the best, the newest or the prettiest but it's mine and I adore it.
* Izze -- pomegranate, apple, clementine, mmmm.
* new bras!
* christmas lights
* rainbows that stretch across the sky and remind you to smile
* sunsets that make you pause to appreciate
* the Battery and the smell of low tide and the marshes
* waves breaking on the shore
* naked toes in the wet sand as the tide rushes back in
* wet paint on a canvas, painted by a genius with paint droplets on his jeans and bare feet
* smiles from strangers
* holding hands
* kisses from sweet daughters who wrap their arms around my neck and whisper how much they love me and how I will always be the best mama in the whole world
* hugs from the one with the plastic cup full of sedation
* late night phone calls
* finding myself, figuring out who I am and what I'm worth, learning how to be unapologetic for being Heather and owning up to my faults so that I can figure out how to do better, now that I know better.
* Time. It really does heal all wounds.

I could keep going.

I was in a wreck

I was on my way to Eric's studio to see his art show. Stopped at a red light. It turned green and I pulled out into the intersection and was slammed. A car ran two red lights by the fire station and hit me. I was in Andy's truck and it spun twice. My head hit the driver's side window and cracked the glass. Truck is totalled. Thank god I wasn't in my car or I could have been killed, seriously. Thank god the kids weren't with me.

I spent a couple hours at the ER getting x-rays and such. I'm okay but my head and neck and shoulder and upper back really hurt. :( I'm taking pain medication and muscle relaxers. I don't hurt as bad as I thought I would today but I'm stiff and sore/aching.

I had just called my friend Elizabeth when I was hit and my phone flew across 4 lanes of traffic, where the cop found it. It's not broken at all, just skidded up. E heard me get hit... how freaky must that have sounded?

The driver was an 18-year old girl in a brand new 2006 volvo. She got out of the car on her phone and said "omg was that my fault?" -- luckily two women stopped to be witnesses and they told her that yes, it was her fault. She accepted blame, said she just didnt see the red lights.

I guess Andy and I are going to get a rental car this afternoon after Eliz leaves? I really don't want to get up at 6 every morning to take him to work and this other girl's insurance should pay for whatever we need. Her car was totalled too by the way... I'll bet her daddy is angry with her today. @@